Hey, Friday morning rejoicers! By the looks of your Facebook posts, you're having the best.day.ever! I'm guessing that big ol' SCOTUS decision has a little something to do with that...
Just wanted to let you know I see you. And you know what, I get you, to some degree. Probably not fully--I can't claim to even understand myself fully--but I want you to know that in some ways, I understand where you're coming from. I hear your cries for "love" and "equality," and I know this: You really are coming from a place that really cares about real people with real feelings who, until today, had the real problem of not being able to do something they really want to do in the depths of their hearts. Even though I (and Pope Francis, and the Catholic Church) totally disagree with you about gay marriage (probably just because we define marriage a bit differently), even though you're shouting with exuberance from the rooftops of the internet while I'm holding back tears, reading and re-reading the Obergefell v. Hodges opinion, I just want you to know today that I DON'T THINK YOU'RE A BAD PERSON.
AND, (BONUS!) I'm not going to attempt to use this platform to try to convince you to abandon your position, either. A discussion at another time, in another place would probably be more appropriate for that type of a conversation. (I'd love to have it, for the record! Please reach out to me if you want to have a thoughtful and respectful discourse.) I just want you to know that I don't think you're a terrible person, or going to hell, or any number of other things that Christians are accused of thinking/saying about you.
Speaking of Christians, I am one, and I know lots of them. I even understand why you might feel like we think those terrible things about you. I'm nowhere near perfect, and neither are my brothers and sisters in Christ. I admit that I have an incredibly hard time explaining to you why I disagree with you re: gay marriage because the very good, very fundamental values I sincerely hold in my heart--that shape my feelings about this issue and every other issue--are so very different than those of our culture, and probably very different than yours.
And that's what I want to talk to you about today. Could I ask you a favor? Could you extend your tolerance to me too?
I am not an evil person. I promise. I readily admit that I am not perfect, but I AM full of love for my family, for my friends, and for you--even though we may disagree. I am not a bigot (defined by Webster's as a person who is intolerant toward those holding different opinions.) I am a Catholic, Christian woman of good will. I'm a simple (well, "complicated" if you ask my husband) wife with a new! blog, and a busy mom to a busy 8-month-old girl, who is sitting in her living room this morning nursing her second cup of coffee, and, in light of this decision, truly, truly agonizing over how I'm going to pass on my beliefs (aka: the Catholic faith) to my daughter in this culture. And I know I'm not alone in this feeling.
Because the truth of the matter is that in the world today, for many Catholic and Christian parents of good will (like me), teaching our children what we believe when the rest of the world screams out at them "BIGOT!" "INTOLERANT!" "EVIL!" "LOVELESS!" seems like an absolutely impossible task. I know that it's not, and with God's grace and a lot of intentionality, my husband and I will find a way. It's going to require creativity, discipline, and most of all, prayer. And frankly, I don't think God would want it any other way.
Here's the thing, though. Like you, I can imagine teaching my daughter what we believe in the depths of our hearts as she grows older--something our country gives me the freedom and my faith gives me the admonition to do. And then I can imagine her being absolutely scorned for it by people who disagree with her. It will be good for her to endure that persecution. I won't allow her to shy away from it, but will try to teach her what to do with it. But it breaks my heart. The intolerance she will undoubtedly encounter is truly the work of the devil.
So, could you help me? Would you mind taking just a moment to look at this from my perspective, just as I'm doing with you? Would you be willing to exercise empathy and put yourself in my shoes? Could you just see me and see my heart and understand my situation in the way that I'm trying to understand yours? Could you try to disagree with me while still seeing that my heart is full of love, not hatred? That my position on gay marriage and other issues actually comes from a place of deep love and respect for you and for all human people (regardless of any position on any issue), and not a place of hatred or unfair judgment or backwoods-style-brainwashing? That I've come to believe this on my own (even though, yes, I was raised Catholic) after much struggling and ruminating and evaluating lots of diverse opinions? Can we disagree without spewing labels at each other and actually move to a place of attempted understanding? And could you do the same thing for my daughter as I'm raising her and teaching her our faith? And for all of the other bumbling-but-genuine Christians, Catholics, and supporters of traditional marriage who, in all their good will, just really don't know how to communicate with you?
I've been watching the news this morning, and as much as I disagreed with a lot what President Obama said in his remarks regarding today's decision, I thought there was a lot of wisdom in this line:
"I know that Americans of good will continue to hold a wide range of views on this issue. Opposition, in some cases, has been based on sincere and deeply held beliefs. All of us who welcome today's news should be mindful of that fact and recognize different viewpoints, revere our deep commitment to religious freedom." (Transcript: Obama's remarks on Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage. Washington Post.)
If our President's commitment to religious freedom is authentic, and if others in our country really share that commitment, there must be room in the public debate for my faith-based view on this issue. There must be freedom for me to pass it on to future generations. And there must be space in our society for it to be heard and passed on with the understanding that it's coming from a good--not evil--place. You don't have to agree with me. But could you try to love me?
I beg you today: let's attempt to focus on what we have in common as this issue comes to the forefront, and that is our shared concern for others. The more we focus on that and avoid assuming bad intentions in one another--the more we STOP calling each other (or even thinking of each other as) intolerant, bigoted, terrible, evil people--the more love really WILL win!
Thanks, Katie, for bravely and gently voicing the thoughts weighing on my heart today.
ReplyDeleteI'm excited for your blog! Congratulations!
Love this!!
ReplyDeletehttps://youtu.be/I6PPk2NOQXs
ReplyDeleteVery well said, Thank you!!
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ReplyDeleteEverything I have felt/thought about this topic so beautifully written! Thank you, Katie! You are so talented and gifted with words.
ReplyDeleteOne of my FB friends posted your link last week and I haven’t stopped thinking about it all weekend, which is why I’m here. I do appreciate your tone and desire to find compromise. I am a middle-of-the-road, but definitely liberal mom, and I was brought up Catholic as well, though I fell away from the church long ago. Admittedly, I miss it. Christianity as a whole seems different (and possibly worse) to me now than it did back then; it’s so politicized. I don’t like polarization; people need to work together, even with different opinions, at home and in the workplace; compromise is such a gift, such a strength; so it bothers me to see so little of that in bigger circles. Certainly we’re capable, right?
ReplyDeleteI do believe you that you are loving and understanding; but I can also tell you that the Supreme Court ruling last week will not be your biggest parenting challenge. I’m quite sure marriage equality will not affect your life much at all, unless you have a gay family member or friend. Homosexuality occurs in less than 7 percent of the population, so there’s a very good chance you won’t come face-to-face with this, and if you do, it won’t be frequently. Percentages are much higher for drug use, car accidents, defaulting on loans, eating disorders, and erroneous ADHD diagnoses. It’s important to keep a proper perspective. There’s a very good chance you will have a far bigger problem with your husband not picking up after himself than you will having to try to explain the concept of marriage to your daughter. That’s just a for instance; your husband may be a neat freak, but my point is there will be far more painful hurdles than this.
When I was growing up, gay people were closeted, so my parents never talked about homosexuality in any context. But the time I learned some of the words associated with homosexuality, sexuality in general was such a foreign concept, grown up relationships were so far away, none of it seemed tangible. There was only just marriage then (though it was exclusionary). And there is only just marriage now (though it’s inclusive). I don’t know if explaining it these days has to be any different. You, as a parent, have the right to decide what your children read and watch; I’m pretty sure you and I vote differently, but I bet we can agree on kids’ media consumption: there is so much awful, overly sexual (and most of it hetero) stuff on TV. You control the message.
I spent nearly 10 years living in a rough northeast city, in what my friends and family called “the hood.” I saw so much poverty, so much despair, so many broken people struggling just to make it through the day. The bible mentions poverty over 2,000 times; homosexuality is referenced under 10 times, and I imagine the reality of our present day world still reflects those numbers: there are WAY more starving people right here in the USA than there are gay people. Yet the churches and opinionated blowhards on TV and the radio want to focus on sex. Why is that? I’m seriously disillusioned. My experience is why I turned off the TV, and stopped listening to the mainstream news, and unsubscribed from most magazines. The message is wrong. We do have more in common than not. We just need to listen to each other better (that wasn’t directed at you — it’s a general statement!). I know we can. All the best to you.